


All in my Head

by M_ichael



Category: Infernal Devices Series - Cassandra Clare, Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe - Normal Life, Later mentions of mental illness, Mash-up, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Multi, My First Fanfic, My First Work in This Fandom, Needed to include Malec fluff at the start, On Hiatus, Started as a school project, TID/TMI, because im in denial, but it blossomed, waiting for season 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-25
Updated: 2016-09-25
Packaged: 2018-08-17 04:17:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8130142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/M_ichael/pseuds/M_ichael
Summary: Tessa is already living with enough on her plate, but when she has a mental breakdown, it takes all of her energy to fight of her own thoughts. Of course she has her friends there, but they would never understand what was wrong with her. Or what wasn't.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Really sorry if this is terrible!. This is my first fic, and it didn't even start out as an actual fanfiction.  
> Anyways! I hope you like it, whoever you are!  
> I hope to write more chapters, if this goes well, or if I have the time...  
> I know I want to do more with this, and I would love feedback of any kind.

“I know that this sounds crazy,” I pleaded, “and I wouldn’t blame you for not believing me; I’m not sure I’d believe me, either. But I know what I saw, and it wasn’t human.”

Of course Magnus wouldn’t believe me. I’d just told him about this weird creature that I saw on my evening run on the trail that went around our town. He continued eating his fries as we sat in the sparsely-populated diner on the corner of North Manchester Road and 3rd Street. We’d gone there after he had picked me up on the trail in my state of shock. On the way there I still couldn’t look him in the eyes, let alone tell him about what had happened-what I’d seen. We stopped here, at our usual dinner place about 2 miles from the path. We’d only been sitting in Java Jone's for about 30 minutes, and I’d already given him the entire run down of events as I remembered them.

“So you mean to tell me,” Magnus began, this being the first time he had talked since he had picked me up. He hesitated, eyeing his fries almost suspiciously, as if they were hiding something. He looked up at me with an understandable look of disbelief. He sighed, and began again. “You mean to say that there is a monster living in the woods?” At the word monster I looked away at the floor on the outside of the booth. I studied the tiles.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that he had shifted positions, and was sitting slightly sideways and slouched, with his elbow resting on the tabletop. He picked up a fry and held it vertically on the table, drawing small circles with it on the laminated wood. He continued, “And this thing is talking to you about some guy who sent him to get you. Then some random fear crosses it, and it runs away.”

I should have known. I was crazy, I knew that much. It was the only reasonable explanation. I continued staring at the floor as I kept talking. 

“Look, I don’t need you to believe me, I just know what I saw.” I shifted slightly in my seat, contemplating another sentence. “And, by the way, it was a demon. Not just a monster.” I added, finally getting back my sarcasm.

“Oh, of course,” he stated, quite loudly.

“Mags,” I attempted to relax him, but to no avail.

“No, excuse me. Demon. Really, Tessa? Have you lost your mind?!” he added with disdain and all of the subtlety of a hand grenade. He slammed his hand on the table, which caused me to look back at him. His expression had gone from annoyance to almost livid outrage. I thought Magnus would at least try to understand.

Although his face didn’t change, he shifted when he saw my face. He sat up, setting both elbows on the table, and hunched forward, scrubbing his hands through his sandy blonde hair. It still had a faint blue tinge from when we dyed it a few months ago. His eyes said that he wanted to believe me, but couldn’t find a reason.

“I’m sorry for dragging you into this mess.” I attempted to make amends, thinking that I could at least calm him down, “Just forget about it. I don’t want to remember what I saw. I must’ve been seeing things. I’m sorry.”

Magnus looked at me apologetically. He clearly didn’t want to talk about it either, but he definitely wanted answers. He must’ve decided to drop the topic as well, because he pushed a chunk of hair that had fallen into his face back into its rightful spot among the rest of his curls and met my gaze head on.

“Ok.” he finally said, offering a slight smile that caused a single dimple to appear in his left cheek. He always said that he hated his lone dimple, but I knew it was just one more thing that brought color and novelty to his already remarkable face. He was 17, and I was 18. We had been friends for over 10 years, and put the “if we’re both still single by the time we’re 30…” pact in place 4 years ago. We were inseparable. Everyone thought that we were dating. Even his parents tried to set us up about 2 months into our friendship. But I knew something that they didn’t. It was a secret that I had kept for Magnus for 8 years. He already had someone.

He had a boyfriend.

I haven't known Alec for the same amount of time that I’ve known Magnus, and I wasn’t privy to the knowledge that they were dating until one summer when I had a sleepover that I had planned to have be just me and Mags, but he had insisted.

Anyway, one thing led to another, and I found out, and it didn’t change my feelings about either of them. I knew they were good for each other, and they were happy together, and if Magnus was happy, I was, too.

“Well, ok,” a familiar voice dragged me out of my revelry. A voice that I knew wasn’t Magnus’s. “Don’t invite me to dinner, I see,” He feigned hurt, and I heard Magnus’s breathy laugh.

I turned to see Alec standing beside our booth. He took Mag’s hand, and sat next to him. Magnus began to console his boyfriend, “Sorry, babe. It was a bit impromptu. I had to pick up Tessa because…” he paused, clearly waiting for me to make the excuse.

“I hurt my leg,” I interjected. “Mags was just picking me up so I could rest it.” I had always been more adept at lying than Magnus, and it wasn’t uncommon for me to make the excuses, especially if they were untrue.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Alec said, looking sincerely concerned. He leaned over the table to try to see my leg. “I didn’t know that you were hurt. If you need anything-”

“Oh, I’m fine.” I stopped him before he noticed that I actually was fine. “I just got a cramp or something. While I was in the truck, it went away, and since we were already about a mile and a half from here, we decided we might as well stop for a bite to eat.” I lied effortlessly. I realised that this might have been a problem-the fact that it was so easy for me to lie to people-especially people that I really care about like Alec.

But I knew it was for the best. He didn’t have to get involved in my crazy visions. Because that is what they were, I told myself. Just visions. I was dehydrated and delirious, and I imagined things. 

After about another half hour of just talking, Alec checked his watch.

“Oh, God,” he muttered. “It’s already 00:23. We’d better get back to the apartment.” He glanced over at Alec, then at me, seeing the facade of annoyance on my face from him insisting on using a 24-hour clock despite living in rural Minnesota, and no one else understanding it. “And I have to get you home, too. To rest up that leg,” he added, almost as an afterthought.

“Oh, most definitely.” Alec, already moving out of the booth, grasped at Magnus’s hand and headed towards the door. We had gotten the check about 15 minutes ago, so we had already known that we would have to be leaving shortly. I stood up to follow, and had to brace myself. I suddenly felt lightheaded, and I almost fell over.

“Whoa, there,” Magnus said, already at my side, an arm under me, supporting my weight, as I shifted and regained my footing. He looked concerned and cautiously asked, “Are you ok?”

I looked back at him, trying to reassure him that I was, in fact, ok. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just stood up too quickly, I guess,” I said, but he clearly didn’t believe me.

I assumed he opted to let it alone, and we continued out to the truck. Apparently Alec walked the 10 blocks it took to get from Magnus’s and his apartment to the cafe. 

As we climbed into the truck, all was silent. Of course, aside from the sounds of the cars on the street passing us the way that most cars do on this street; much too far over the speed limit. On our way back to my house, everything seemed so surreal, like it was happening to someone else, and I was there for the ride on autopilot. I continued to stare at the dash, not paying attention to the no doubt riveting conversation that Magnus and Alec were having.

In what seemed like 4 hours, but in reality was only a few minutes, we were back at my apartment building. I thanked them dismissively and ran up the stairs to my flat. I fished my keys out of my pocket and walked into my apartment. The immediate feeling of home and belonging that I had grown to feel after entering my flat wasn’t there this time. I shook it off as me being tired, and headed to my bedroom.

As I closed my bedroom door, I started to get undressed. I looked at my body in the mirror, as I often did. I saw my legs, my stomach, my arms, my chest, my face. It all seemed perfectly normal, the same as it had been when I left this morning. Yet, as I went to get my pajama shirt, something was off.

I looked back at my mirror and saw someone-no-something-in my place. It was tall and dark. The only light was coming from what I assumed were the eyes. I felt about to double over, but something was holding me up. I was paralyzed. I couldn’t take my eyes away. 

I moved my hands up to reach the figure in the mirror, and the creature did as well. It did exactly what I did. I reached up to touch my face. The figure copied as well. When I looked at my hand, I didn’t see my hand.

I saw it’s hand.

I started hyperventilating. I felt my knees finally give out, and I fell to the floor, unable to make a sound. I sat with my right knee up, and my left leg sprawled out. I looked up, ignoring the fear tearing through my head. I started to cry, not bothering to wipe away the tears as they streamed down my face.

When I looked back at my hands, they were normal. The callouses, the small quartz ring on my left pinkie, and the chipped teal blue nail polish that I had never bothered to clean off still clinging to most of my fingernails. My breath calmed, and I slowly moved to lay flat on my back, feeling my chest rise and fall. 

I started to drum my fingers on the hardwood floor uncontrollably. I put it off to nerves and fear of what had just happened, so I focused solely on attempting to make sense of what I had seen. I tried to control it as the twitching moved up my arm and into my chest. Suddenly my whole body was convulsing.

I was no longer aware of anything. It felt as though the floor had been opened up under me and I was falling through to the center of the earth; continuously getting warmer and warmer until I couldn’t handle it anymore.

Then I heard the voice calling to me. It sounded equal parts like it was in my head and extremely far away.

-This won’t end. You will always be trapped within your own mind. There is no escape. There is no escape. There is no escape…-

The words drifted as I felt myself losing grasp of reality. I struggled internally, feeling my physical body convulsing more violently. I tried in vain to stay above the water of insanity, but to no avail. I was drowning in my own thoughts, with nothing to cling to.

Then it stopped.

I felt nothing. My body stopped moving, and I was floating in empty whiteness. And not the whiteness depicted in movies, like blinding, refreshing light washing over you as you ascend to heaven; this was the bright, burning ash of a huge fire. My body felt it, but I was done fighting. I was too tired; physically, mentally, and emotionally. I let the heat wash over me. It felt almost right. Almost. 

The feeling was taking over. It filled my senses with fire and burned my soul to the core. It was all I could feel. 

I heard the voice again. It rang out from every fiber of my being, sending chills down my spine and causing the hairs on the back of my neck to stand up.

-This is where you belong. In our world. In your world. You will never escape, and you won’t want to. You will learn. They will try to fix you, but there is nothing wrong. You are perfectly imperfect. Sensibly insane. This is you. This is you. This is you…-

“This is me. This is me…” I heard a far off voice call. I recognized it as my own. It wasn’t like I knew it. It was weak and unsure, and not completely conscious. I heard the voice coming closer and closer, until it was pounding in my head. This is me. This is me. I had no way to stop it. 

And I didn’t want to stop it.

Suddenly, everything was back.

My room, the mirror; the world, all came spiraling back to me. I took in a gasped breath and coughed roughly, wheezing slightly, as I noticed the arms cradling me, and the figure standing over me. The arms around me feels safe, yet strangely unfamiliar. I focused on the figure holding me. His worried, yet honest face. His muscular arms, encircling me. Him. 

“Magnus?” I asked, my voice hoarse. I looked at the other figure, with his tight grey t-shirt over acid wash jeans and Doc Martens. 

Alec smiled sadly at me, and said quietly, “Hey, sweetie,” his eyes cast their way down at me sorrowfully. He knelt down beside me, and put his hand on my leg, rubbing soothing circles into my skin, calming me. He looked me in the eyes, silently asking if I was alright. I knew that he meant well, but right now I didn’t want to be around anyone. I wanted to be alone; away from people who wouldn’t understand.

“Tessa?” Magnus asked, sitting me up slightly. My head was reeling, and by body felt in shambles. I could finally breathe normally, at least. Being with the people that I really care about was comforting. I craned my head to talk to Magnus, but got a searing pain shooting up and down my spine. I winced, and curled into a ball. Magnus slowly and gently moved my rigid body to lay sideways on the floor. 

So, there I lay; sideways in the fetal position in front of the two people that I love most in this world, after just having the most devastating experience of my entire life, which I was still trying to differentiate between reality and imagination.

“Are you ok?” Alec asked, thinking that he was helping, but it just made me start bawling. I wasn’t ok, but I didn’t want to explain it, because they would think I was crazy.

Oh, how am I kidding? I thought to myself, You are crazy. There’s no nice simple explanation for this. You are alone. You are alone…

-You are alone. You are alone…- I suddenly heard. It was The Voice again, repeating over and over again those words that I had hated since childhood. The feeling of being alone inside yourself. Not being about to convey the feelings and experiences in your life. Being seen as an outcast as I had been seen for far too long as a child, with imaginary friends; my only friends. Just me and my shadow. 

Just me and The Voice

I knew that I had to explain this at some point, and when I heard Alec and Magnus exchanging whispers above me, I slowly started to unfurl myself and sit up. I sat on the floor with my legs criss-crossed underneath me, and my head in my hands. I started to look up at the now silent couple, and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My face was felt devoid of all color, which accented the dark circles under my eyes. My lips were heavily chapped, and my eyes were bloodshot. My hair was disheveled, and my clothes hung loosely over my collarbone, and I remembered that I wasn’t wearing a bra. I knew neither of them would notice, but I already felt utterly exposed and vulnerable, and that was just another leaf on the Tree of Insecurity. 

“What are you two doing here?” I asked, trying to be as nonchalant as I could, but clearly failing miserably. 

“We got back to our apartment,” Magnus started, wringing his hands together like always did when he was nervous, “but we thought we should check up on you. When we got here, heard a crash, and went to you room. When we came in, you were on the floor.”

I appreciated that they cared enough to check on my, and I would probably thank them later, but now, I knew that they would have too many questions, and I knew I wouldn’t have the answers. But I knew I would have to try.

“So,” I began, wanting this to be over as soon as possible, “Where would you like to start?”

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, again, thank you for reading.  
> It means a lot to me  
> with this being my first fic and all...


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